While I don’t mind heights, I’m not especially comfortable with throwing my body off something relatively high – a diving platform, the top railing of a boat, a rocky cliff overlooking water that is “totally deep enough to dive in”. But I do it! Eventually. After a few agonising minutes of pacing, catastrophic thinking, and psyching myself up, my mind goes blank and I let my physicality 100% take over. Though truth be told, it’s not the you-can-do-it mental refrain that gets me over the edge, it’s the claustrophobic feeling of indecision that eventually makes me think fuck it and then lo and behold it’s over the edge and into the water I go, one big uncoordinated splash.
These pre-jump jitters are all-consuming. And they’re proving to be a pretty big problem in life right now.
For the past couple months, I’ve been pacing back and forth along the edge of something big, feeling a little sick with nerves and knowing that once I decide to throw myself over the precipice, some things are going to change and I’ll have to deal with that change. I’ve been going back over my 2019 goals to psych myself up for the free-fall and the impact, but it’s taking longer than I expected it to. That said, the jump is coming. It has to. But I just need a few more minutes to panic before I’m ready, okay?
Here are some things that aren’t freaking me out quite so much!
My brilliant blue cicada arrived from Provence and has found a home on my pale pink wall. I love it.
I nodded along to Dolly Alderton’s column in The Sunday Times Style Magazine this week. "I think one of the hardest things to accept about getting older is that there is so rarely a definitively right or disastrously wrong way to live — just hundreds of choices that could take your life in lots of different directions. The deeply unsatisfying fact is that you’d probably find a way to be fine in all of them. It’s almost unbearable to think about with any degree of analysis." VERY ON BRAND FOR HOW I’M FEELING RIGHT NOW, NO?
To keep my cat from using my air plants as floss, I’ve been on the look-out for hanging air plant holders and really like the look of these. Shall I pull the trigger?
A friend told me about a new kombucha company called Boo Chi last week and I’m definitely going to add a scoby to an order of a mixed pack later this week so I can sip some of theirs but also brew my own. 💪🏼
My friend Ed got me into Blown Away on Netflix this week - a competitive reality show about Canadian glass blowers. It’s pretty low-stakes and low production but I’m really enjoying it!
I also binged Season 4 of Queer Eye and Season 3 of The Bold Type this past week (pacing along the edge of proverbial cliff = procrastinating by watching TV) and reader, I cried in every single episode. Good balm for the soul! Now, if I could just have Kat’s entire wardrobe and could renovate my living room/kitchen to look more like the QE loft, I’d be happy as a clam.
And on that note, I’m going to procrastinate a bit more before launching into the week ahead. Good luck and don’t fuck it up, everyone!